The Realization

I've come to the conclusion that I am not of sound mind to be consuming alcohol. Whew. As sad as it may sound...that took a lot of deliberation to admit. It has become clear that my brain has serious problems after a certain amount of booze has been consumed in tandem with the occurrence of certain types of stimuli.

Let's clarify here for a second. I do not get drunk to escape my problems. I do not even get angry when inebriated. I'm usually a happy go lucky, dorky guy after having a few drinks. My jokes get cornier and make less sense. I laugh at anything the whiskey soaked sponge I call a brain deems even slightly funny. To the people around me, I am generally quite nice. I will buy strangers drinks, tip way too generously, and might even sneak in a god awful attempt at dancing. Most importantly, I love the people I am with more than I ever thought I could.

But then...

Out of nowhere...

And not all the time, mind you...

But much more frequently recently...

Something or someone triggers this intense feeling of hatred of anything and everyone in my life that has at any point disappointed or wronged me. It can be someone with a bad attitude, an unkind word about me or someone I know, or a memory of a past bad experience. Whatever it is...it sets me off. I don't lash out at anyone physically. I become very aggressive verbally, however, and can say some really heinous shit to whoever has the unlucky disposition to be in my sight at the moment. If no one is around, the feelings go to war inside of me. I start to spiral down into this very dark place where I think I don't want or need anyone. It is such a strange concept for me to want total solitude at any cost, because I really do get lonely at times.

I know what you're thinking, everyone gets let down sometimes. Everyone has had bad shit happen to them. Do I think I have endured just as much if not a little more disappointment/bad shit than most people I know, though? Yes. But its never a problem when I'm sober. I could care less about what I don't have and what has been done to me when I am sober. I am very good at staying optimistic and concentrating on the positive aspects of life. Lately, though, it's not as easy. Especially in the company of alcohol. I think it is a common occurrence for people to be extra emotional when intoxicated. What is going on with me is just scary, though.

The good news is that I think I understand why it's happening. There isn't much to be happy about in my life right now. There are a handful of bright spots scattered around, but they are the same bright spots that have been there for going on 2 years. No more, no less. Whenever things get me down, I turn to these bright spots and lean on them in order to get past the negativity. It has helped tremendously and cheers me up at least 99% of the time. Unfortunately, I think I have leaned on these bright spots too often. Now when I look at them, the redeeming factor that they once held is replaced by a vision of all negative qualities that I associate with them. In essence, my mind has turned on the things that have kept me sane for the better part of two years. I guess I should feel bad about it, but I can't control my mind all the time. I can fool others, but I can't fool myself. I can only say "Look at the bright side..." so many times before the old noodle hears it and screams, "Bullshit!"

So...it has happened. The realization has happened. It gradually slipped out of my subconscious, guided by numerous nights of binge drinking. It made a beeline into my foreconscious and sat there...just...taking in the sights for a few months. And now, it has become a part of my conscious mind. It's standing upon the foremost point of my brain. And it isn't going anywhere.

What is it? It's the realization that there isn't a bright side anymore.

I'm not and can't be happy here.

I had a few ideas about what to do next after I graduated college a couple weeks ago. But after giving it some thought, I don't think those things would make me very happy. And it really is time to make myself happy. I have to before it's too late, because in all seriousness...Mental Breakdown City is just up the road.

I haven't felt like I fit in here in a long time. I've told myself that I need to be in a place where I'm surrounded by people whom I don't have to be the watered down version of myself. So that's where I have to go. No...that is where I AM going to go. Will I stay forever? I'm not sure. Maybe. Maybe not. I've got too much present to worry about to be thinking that much about the future.

-Tommy

Playlist:
Arcade Fire - Funeral
Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
Volbeat - Rock the Rebel/Metal the Devil
Horseback - The Invisible Mountain
Marissa Nadler - Little Hells
Titus Andronicus - The Airing of Grievances
Titus Andronicus - The Monitor