I've come to the conclusion that I am not of sound mind to be consuming alcohol. Whew. As sad as it may sound...that took a lot of deliberation to admit. It has become clear that my brain has serious problems after a certain amount of booze has been consumed in tandem with the occurrence of certain types of stimuli.
Let's clarify here for a second. I do not get drunk to escape my problems. I do not even get angry when inebriated. I'm usually a happy go lucky, dorky guy after having a few drinks. My jokes get cornier and make less sense. I laugh at anything the whiskey soaked sponge I call a brain deems even slightly funny. To the people around me, I am generally quite nice. I will buy strangers drinks, tip way too generously, and might even sneak in a god awful attempt at dancing. Most importantly, I love the people I am with more than I ever thought I could.
But then...
Out of nowhere...
And not all the time, mind you...
But much more frequently recently...
Something or someone triggers this intense feeling of hatred of anything and everyone in my life that has at any point disappointed or wronged me. It can be someone with a bad attitude, an unkind word about me or someone I know, or a memory of a past bad experience. Whatever it is...it sets me off. I don't lash out at anyone physically. I become very aggressive verbally, however, and can say some really heinous shit to whoever has the unlucky disposition to be in my sight at the moment. If no one is around, the feelings go to war inside of me. I start to spiral down into this very dark place where I think I don't want or need anyone. It is such a strange concept for me to want total solitude at any cost, because I really do get lonely at times.
I know what you're thinking, everyone gets let down sometimes. Everyone has had bad shit happen to them. Do I think I have endured just as much if not a little more disappointment/bad shit than most people I know, though? Yes. But its never a problem when I'm sober. I could care less about what I don't have and what has been done to me when I am sober. I am very good at staying optimistic and concentrating on the positive aspects of life. Lately, though, it's not as easy. Especially in the company of alcohol. I think it is a common occurrence for people to be extra emotional when intoxicated. What is going on with me is just scary, though.
The good news is that I think I understand why it's happening. There isn't much to be happy about in my life right now. There are a handful of bright spots scattered around, but they are the same bright spots that have been there for going on 2 years. No more, no less. Whenever things get me down, I turn to these bright spots and lean on them in order to get past the negativity. It has helped tremendously and cheers me up at least 99% of the time. Unfortunately, I think I have leaned on these bright spots too often. Now when I look at them, the redeeming factor that they once held is replaced by a vision of all negative qualities that I associate with them. In essence, my mind has turned on the things that have kept me sane for the better part of two years. I guess I should feel bad about it, but I can't control my mind all the time. I can fool others, but I can't fool myself. I can only say "Look at the bright side..." so many times before the old noodle hears it and screams, "Bullshit!"
So...it has happened. The realization has happened. It gradually slipped out of my subconscious, guided by numerous nights of binge drinking. It made a beeline into my foreconscious and sat there...just...taking in the sights for a few months. And now, it has become a part of my conscious mind. It's standing upon the foremost point of my brain. And it isn't going anywhere.
What is it? It's the realization that there isn't a bright side anymore.
I'm not and can't be happy here.
I had a few ideas about what to do next after I graduated college a couple weeks ago. But after giving it some thought, I don't think those things would make me very happy. And it really is time to make myself happy. I have to before it's too late, because in all seriousness...Mental Breakdown City is just up the road.
I haven't felt like I fit in here in a long time. I've told myself that I need to be in a place where I'm surrounded by people whom I don't have to be the watered down version of myself. So that's where I have to go. No...that is where I AM going to go. Will I stay forever? I'm not sure. Maybe. Maybe not. I've got too much present to worry about to be thinking that much about the future.
-Tommy
Playlist:
Arcade Fire - Funeral
Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
Volbeat - Rock the Rebel/Metal the Devil
Horseback - The Invisible Mountain
Marissa Nadler - Little Hells
Titus Andronicus - The Airing of Grievances
Titus Andronicus - The Monitor
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Monday, November 9, 2009
Condensensation.
I had the distinct pleasure of hanging with one of my good friends from junior high/high school this past week....G. I mean, she ruled hard in high school. I was a little worried, though, because most of the people from the school I went to turned into total douche bags. Some girls got really hot. Some dudes turned out to be gay. Some people got dumber. Some went to jail. Some moved out of the hood. Mostly, though, they turned into douche bags. The last time I saw her was more than 5 years ago on a truly boozy night in the city. I won't even pretend I remember any of it. Anyway...the bottom line is this woman is still ace.
We conversed one late night on Facebook and made plans to check out some art at the Art Institute of Chicago, with some Skullsplitters to follow. She had not had one, which I thought was just criminal. After AIC, we made a quick stop off at a bar we mutually love for it's shitty yet charming atmosphere...the always interesting Rossi's on State and Kinzie. I love that place. Suits, hipsters, construction workers, bros, hoes, geezers, and everyone in between drinking flat Old Style and listening to music from an overpriced jukebox. I swear I once heard a Eddie Money song, into a Dying Fetus song, followed by Pantera, capped off by Barry White and Hall & Oates. Fucking awesome.
After a couple beers, we walked to our cars and headed to Logan Square. Quencher's was the destination, Skullsplitter the motivation. We arrived safely and began our quest down Awesome Lane. It was so much fun. Just talking, filling each other in on our excursions, and speculating on what was to come in our respective lives. It was refreshing to see we still got along so well and that she still gets me. Also, I swear some of the things she told me she had been through sounded like pages out of my life's book. It was great adult conversation with someone I felt comfortable with for a change, someone I felt a deeper connection with. It is a feeling that unfortunately isn't experienced nearly enough.
You see, here is my dilemma: I have great friends right now. We have a lot of fun and take care of each other. But these friends have not been friends for that long. These are friends that have only been around for the last few years. That doesn't make them any less dear...just makes me want for greater familiarity. I always get the feeling that most of my friends now really don't understand me. I am admittedly kind of weird. My humor, musical tastes, the way I think...not really unique to the world, but unique to my circle of people. I generally feel like I have to say things differently than how I would naturally say things in order to be understood. It's like everything that comes out of my mouth is the edited, watered down version of what I really meant. The path of least resistance, if you will. I do it because I definitely do not like explaining every fucking thing I have to say. Went through that shit for far too long. Hello Past Relationships. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Fuck you.
So where does this leave me? I don't know. It is just something that has been bothering me for the past couple weeks. I don't see any big changes coming soon. I like the fact that I reconnected with a good friend, though. And I'm pretty optimistic that we will be hanging out a lot now. She is down for whatever, so she's definitely going to be hitting up some shows with me. This is good.
I see a lot of pairing up of people coming. To the normal person that would be considered a sign to start looking for a partner. Yes, being the single one in a crew of couples is lame. But I have never once found anything while I was looking for it. Nothing. So I am just going to concentrate on what is important. Namely finishing school and trying to find work. Friends are overrated, right? I still have the BDC. Those motherfuckers definitely have my heart. And there are a few people here and there who get me. I'll be fine. I was just feeling so frustrated and restless for a bit there. It usually takes me some time to figure out what's going on in my head, mostly because I do not think everything that pops in there deserves intense scrutiny. I got it now, though. After so many years of walking around like a fucking brainless drone, I'm finally figuring out who I am and what I want. Pretty valuable information, considering I'm going to be turning 27 in three months.
-T. R.
"There isn't much that I feel I need. A solid soul, and the blood I bleed." Couldn't agree more, AC.
Upcoming Shows:
Shrinebuilder / Rwake @ Empty Bottle, Nov. 14
Mew @ Metro, Dec. 7
Disappearer / Pelican / Black Cobra @ Empty Bottle, Dec. 11
Play list:
Animal Collective - Feels
Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion
Isis - Oceanic
Isis - Wavering Radiant
Lou Barlow - Emoh
Sonic Youth - Goo
Hour of the Wolf - Power of the Wolf
We conversed one late night on Facebook and made plans to check out some art at the Art Institute of Chicago, with some Skullsplitters to follow. She had not had one, which I thought was just criminal. After AIC, we made a quick stop off at a bar we mutually love for it's shitty yet charming atmosphere...the always interesting Rossi's on State and Kinzie. I love that place. Suits, hipsters, construction workers, bros, hoes, geezers, and everyone in between drinking flat Old Style and listening to music from an overpriced jukebox. I swear I once heard a Eddie Money song, into a Dying Fetus song, followed by Pantera, capped off by Barry White and Hall & Oates. Fucking awesome.
After a couple beers, we walked to our cars and headed to Logan Square. Quencher's was the destination, Skullsplitter the motivation. We arrived safely and began our quest down Awesome Lane. It was so much fun. Just talking, filling each other in on our excursions, and speculating on what was to come in our respective lives. It was refreshing to see we still got along so well and that she still gets me. Also, I swear some of the things she told me she had been through sounded like pages out of my life's book. It was great adult conversation with someone I felt comfortable with for a change, someone I felt a deeper connection with. It is a feeling that unfortunately isn't experienced nearly enough.
You see, here is my dilemma: I have great friends right now. We have a lot of fun and take care of each other. But these friends have not been friends for that long. These are friends that have only been around for the last few years. That doesn't make them any less dear...just makes me want for greater familiarity. I always get the feeling that most of my friends now really don't understand me. I am admittedly kind of weird. My humor, musical tastes, the way I think...not really unique to the world, but unique to my circle of people. I generally feel like I have to say things differently than how I would naturally say things in order to be understood. It's like everything that comes out of my mouth is the edited, watered down version of what I really meant. The path of least resistance, if you will. I do it because I definitely do not like explaining every fucking thing I have to say. Went through that shit for far too long. Hello Past Relationships. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Fuck you.
So where does this leave me? I don't know. It is just something that has been bothering me for the past couple weeks. I don't see any big changes coming soon. I like the fact that I reconnected with a good friend, though. And I'm pretty optimistic that we will be hanging out a lot now. She is down for whatever, so she's definitely going to be hitting up some shows with me. This is good.
I see a lot of pairing up of people coming. To the normal person that would be considered a sign to start looking for a partner. Yes, being the single one in a crew of couples is lame. But I have never once found anything while I was looking for it. Nothing. So I am just going to concentrate on what is important. Namely finishing school and trying to find work. Friends are overrated, right? I still have the BDC. Those motherfuckers definitely have my heart. And there are a few people here and there who get me. I'll be fine. I was just feeling so frustrated and restless for a bit there. It usually takes me some time to figure out what's going on in my head, mostly because I do not think everything that pops in there deserves intense scrutiny. I got it now, though. After so many years of walking around like a fucking brainless drone, I'm finally figuring out who I am and what I want. Pretty valuable information, considering I'm going to be turning 27 in three months.
-T. R.
"There isn't much that I feel I need. A solid soul, and the blood I bleed." Couldn't agree more, AC.
Upcoming Shows:
Shrinebuilder / Rwake @ Empty Bottle, Nov. 14
Mew @ Metro, Dec. 7
Disappearer / Pelican / Black Cobra @ Empty Bottle, Dec. 11
Play list:
Animal Collective - Feels
Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion
Isis - Oceanic
Isis - Wavering Radiant
Lou Barlow - Emoh
Sonic Youth - Goo
Hour of the Wolf - Power of the Wolf
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A mouth without a heart. An action without meaning.
I am beyond fucked when it comes to sleeping. When it is time to be awake, I want to crash. When it is time to go to sleep, I am wide the fuck awake. I think I am just going to stay up for a ridiculous amount of time today to correct it all. Alas...my yawns are becoming deeper and more pronounced. We shall see how well I rage against the dying of my consciousness.
So I started reading Slaughterhouse-Five a long time ago. I got a quarter of the way through, put it down, and haven't gone back to it since. It has probably been years. This morning, though, I was so disgusted with late night television. Nothing in my DVD collection looked good. I was caught up with all my shows. So I decided to read. I started back up on Slaughterhouse-Five and although I am not done with it, I am close to the end. I only stopped because I started doing some homework. Homework that has frustrated me to no end this morning...but that is an altogether different story. Anyway, once I am done with the "goals" I have set for myself today in terms of school work, I will be finishing the book. The point of this whole thing is to say that I wish to read more. I never had the patience for it, until recently. Like so many things, I am thinking it comes with age. I think there is a little more to it, though.
Before this year, I was always moving in a fast paced motion towards some supposed finish line. For the better part of this year, though, I have been afforded the space to slow things down so to speak. I really like it. I am achieving a greater understanding of things for the first time. Before, I only wanted to know the minimum of what I needed to know to get by in life. Now, I want to analyze things a bit more. My brain isn't being rushed and is breathing. It is great. I finally have the brain capacity to enjoy someone else's thoughts. Not because I need to, but because I want to. Will it last? Probably not. Soon, I will re assume my role as a productive member of society. Things will change and this person I am now might change, too. It has been a strange year, and I haven't accomplished a lot. But what this year may be lacking in career achievements, has more than had its fill of intellectual achievements. Maybe I'll write about some of these in the future. For now....more sweet tunes and homework. Then a good book. Then bed. Maybe some soup. Yeah, soup.
Playlist:
Baroness - Blue Record
Pissed Jeans - King of Jeans
The Dillinger Escape Plan - Ire Works
Kylesa - Static Tensions
Deadboy & The Elephantmen - We Are Night Sky
So I started reading Slaughterhouse-Five a long time ago. I got a quarter of the way through, put it down, and haven't gone back to it since. It has probably been years. This morning, though, I was so disgusted with late night television. Nothing in my DVD collection looked good. I was caught up with all my shows. So I decided to read. I started back up on Slaughterhouse-Five and although I am not done with it, I am close to the end. I only stopped because I started doing some homework. Homework that has frustrated me to no end this morning...but that is an altogether different story. Anyway, once I am done with the "goals" I have set for myself today in terms of school work, I will be finishing the book. The point of this whole thing is to say that I wish to read more. I never had the patience for it, until recently. Like so many things, I am thinking it comes with age. I think there is a little more to it, though.
Before this year, I was always moving in a fast paced motion towards some supposed finish line. For the better part of this year, though, I have been afforded the space to slow things down so to speak. I really like it. I am achieving a greater understanding of things for the first time. Before, I only wanted to know the minimum of what I needed to know to get by in life. Now, I want to analyze things a bit more. My brain isn't being rushed and is breathing. It is great. I finally have the brain capacity to enjoy someone else's thoughts. Not because I need to, but because I want to. Will it last? Probably not. Soon, I will re assume my role as a productive member of society. Things will change and this person I am now might change, too. It has been a strange year, and I haven't accomplished a lot. But what this year may be lacking in career achievements, has more than had its fill of intellectual achievements. Maybe I'll write about some of these in the future. For now....more sweet tunes and homework. Then a good book. Then bed. Maybe some soup. Yeah, soup.
Playlist:
Baroness - Blue Record
Pissed Jeans - King of Jeans
The Dillinger Escape Plan - Ire Works
Kylesa - Static Tensions
Deadboy & The Elephantmen - We Are Night Sky
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